I dropped the kids off at school, and headed to the grocery store to pick up a pack of Twizzlers I had promised my son for babysitting.
While there I accidentally found on the complete opposite side of the store that Frito Lay Potato Chips were Buy One, Get One Free.
So of course, I bought one, and got one free.
I then went through a drive-through and ordered a bagel with bacon, egg and cheese. Not a McDonald’s drive-through; but a place where they actually fry the egg and the bacon right in front of you on the grill. It’s terribly greasy, and terribly good.
I took my breakfast and drove across the street, parking in an empty parking lot across from a gym to enjoy my bagel …and yes, Janie-McJudgy-Pants, some sour cream and onion potato chips, too.
They were BOGO!
And I love chips in the morning.
And ice cream.
But I digress.
I opened up my hot, steaming sandwich and took a bite. I had a chip. And then another. And then I looked up in my rearview mirror and saw a woman in bike shorts and a sports bra lunge-walking behind my mini-van.
I looked behind her to see a whole trail of women in bike shorts and sports bras lunge-walking my way.
I was horrified and stopped eating long enough to let them pass.
When the last one of the
skinny bitches ladies finally lunged past my rearview mirror, I let out a sigh of relief and bit down into my sandwich again, scooping up a piece of fallen, melty cheese from the wrapper with a chip.
And then they were back – lunge-walking in the opposite direction…
This time, I ate through my shame – bagel, chip, chip, bagel…..drink….
Did I mention my drink was water?
Yeah, I’m healthy like that.
I looked out my passenger’s side window, expecting to see all the gals heading back inside the gym. Instead, there were two ladies just to my right doing jumping jacks.
I looked out the window on my side of the van and behind me…Thin, bouncing women had descended upon it, it seemed, like seagulls on spilled french fries.
I was surrounded by……EXERCISERS.
I was TRAPPED by women who had gotten themselves up that morning, grabbed a healthy, protein-rich breakfast, and had headed to the gym.
Could anything be more terrifying than that?
My heart rate quickened and I felt myself flush.
Were they staging an intervention for the fatty in the van secretly stuffing herself?
Or…could it be…a sign from God?
“Oh, My God,” I thought. “This is totally a sign from God.”
“God is calling me fat…”
I closed up the bag of chips, and crumpled up the wrapper from my bagel, stuffing it into my grocery sack.
I began to back up, warning the women with my taillights and the movement of the van, that the fat girl was leaving the parking lot.
And like any fat girl would do when called out by God, I went home and had ice cream.